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Howdy Santa,  I’m Jethro and this is my spot. This is my spot on my porch. This is where I sit and no one else does.  I just want to make that abundantly clear. My. Spot.

Santa, as you well know, I am blessed to have come here.  I arrived mighty skinny and embarrassingly bald; now I’m round and very hairy and shed “OMG, it’s non-stop” as I’m told most ungraciously every day.  I was raised a southern gentleman and as such, I do like to dress nicely.  Recently my red bow tie collar went through the wash. It got wrinkled.  Oh now don’t get me wrong, I can use an iron as much as the next man, but a wild beast named Stephanie then got ahold of it and don’t you know, she bit the clasp right off. There is something wrong with that young lady, she just can’t keep her paws off of hard plastic. In any event, I surely would like to have a new set of bow tie collars – take a look at these – they even match my fur coat (size Large, please):

Now don’t let me be the one to tattle tale, but Santa, the girl dogs here are taking over.  You ask any southern gentleman and he will tell you that he is an immaculate housekeeper, a generous host, soft spoken and kind.  These girls dogs… they might as well be living in the jungle.  Who taught them their manners, I should like to know?  Why, they pee on things when the things make them mad (I even saw one who shall remain nameless go right into my food bowl – the nerve!). They chew on things just to spite me and leave the messy bits simply all over the floor and my bed.  MY BED. They try to engage in the most uncivilized wrestling matches.  During one of these, to which I was NOT a willing participant, at least not particularly, one of their badly manicured claws tore up a part of my cheek and I had to get laser surgery to fix it up.  I can’t be losing my good looks now, can I Santa?  I am not one to complain without presenting a solution, so here it is:

First, please send us some Zero Odor – this is the only thing that can remove that smell of Mamie pee Please send a lot of it, if you get my drift.

Second, for the love of goodness gracious, please get a trainer out here. I don’t happen to know one myself, being that I am perfectly mannered.

Now, speaking of my bed.  I have no doubt it has been chewed, urinated upon, spat upon, and other completely unacceptable things.  It has been washed, and that is all fine, but truth be told, this bed is a little small for me. I also would like a bed that better matches my fur and my new collars.  I’m very sensitive to decor.  This one in brown either large or Jumbo would not only be lovely, it will help my old bones rest better at night:

I do hope I don’t sound ungrateful – I am indeed grateful.  Why, sometimes I get home-cooked stews for my dinner, I can run around the farm and explore all the wonderful smells, and, all right then, I do like the girls dogs sometimes but I surely prefer to be out with Milo (though he always wins our running races).   I’d love a sponsor – that person can come and brush me and tell me how handsome I am, and I don’t see how life could get any better than that!

Bye now Santa, and safe travels,